Tag: Humor

Poetry,

July 12 – A guy’s evening prayer from Humorous Verses and Rhymes

Lord give me a deaf and blind nymphomaniac with a large bank account.
A business monopoly, a beautiful yacht, and hot
nymphomaniac friends. I know this doesn’t rhyme – but is not about rhymes.

Translation by Dcn. Jim

iStock_000007159506XSmall

Panie mój daj mi głuchoniemą nimfomankę z dużym kontem w banku.
Ma być właścicielką sklepu monopolowego i mieć własny jacht i napalone
koleżanki nimfomanki. Wiem że to się nie rymuje – ale tu nie o rym chodzi.

Poetry,

July 11 – A woman’s evening prayer from Humorous Verses and Rhymes

Our Father, who art in heaven
I have a great request for you today
Give me a man who is rich
With a Ferrari – purchased for the cash, not on credit
A large apartment, preferably a villa
He will always listen to me, and for more than a moment
He will satisfy me, and make it last
He will make me breakfast – not only on Saturday’s
Watch romances, buy jewelry
Throughout my life he will never get drunk
He will never want to see his mother
He will give me money – and he will pay the taxes
He will have no friends – but I will
He will have numerous accounts – in banks everywhere
Golden credit cards, an uncountable number of checks
Grant this onto me – so to increase my faith

Translation by Dcn. Jim

iStock_000004121392XSmall

Ojcze nasz, który jesteś w niebie
Mam taką prośbę wielką dziś do Ciebie
Daj mi faceta i ma być bogaty
Ma mieć Ferrari – za cash nie na raty
Duze mieszkanie, a najlepiej willę
Ma mnie wciąż słuchać, nie tylko przez w chwilę
Ma mnie zadowalać kiedy mam ochotę
Śniadanie mi robić – nie tylko w sobotę
Oglądać romansy, biżuterię kupić
W życiu mym nie będzie mogł się nigdy upić
Nie chce nigdy widzieć jego własnej matki
Ja wydaję kasę – on płaci podatki
On nie ma kolegów – ja mam koleżanki
Kont ma mieć on wiele – okoliczne banki
Złotych kart bez liku, czeków co nie miara
Jak mi to załatwisz – wzrośnie moja wiara

Homilies

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

I usually avoid reposting jokes I get through E-mail, but this one’s an exception. I really enjoyed it and it was just what I needed today. I didn’t know the punch-line before hand and was thinking to myself, “Hey, this would make for a good homily…”

A priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he placed four worms into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead;
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead;
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead;
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the priest asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration???”

A child sitting in the back quickly raised her hand and said: “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the sermon!

See what happens when one takes one’s homiletics too seriously. A special thank you to the friend who sent it.

Perspective, Poetry, Political, , , ,

June 25 – Political lunacy NY style and Lunatics All Around Me by Ryszard Riedel

A few comments and observations:

Lunacy 101a — Tell them you’re a what?

I work with a lot of very reasonable, hard working, excellent folks. They put their heart and soul into their work and are not beholden to the political elite. It is one wonderful aspect of the civil service merit system (there’s a lot of bad too), i.e., a glaring lack of hacks. The same is true of the people at the top, while appointed politically, they generally serve with dignity and do so responsibly, carrying out the mission of the agency.

In studying the sociology of bureaucracy you learn that those at the top can do little to change the bureaucracy, and what they can do is often on the fringes, externals as it were. The best leaders enable the workers in the bureaucracy, providing them with the means to carry out the mission more efficiently and effectively. They don’t shy away from change, but make change organic. The bad leaders are the ones who take advantage or who actually think they can rule with an iron fist.

Interestingly, the bureaucratic system often changes the leader to a far greater extent than the bureaucracy is changed by them. The leaders take an ownership interest, and the best leaders meld in, adopt the bureaucracy, because the bureaucracy adopted them.

All that being said, somewhere near the top lie the “true believers,” the hacks, political mercy hires, and other assorted hangers on. If you want to have fun with these folks, tell them what you believe. The true believers proudly carry the “conservative” or the “egalitarian” card with honor (their brand). It is their badge of courage.

When engaged in conversation I love to mention my libertarian streak. This sort of pronouncement takes folks completely off guard because they either don’t know what it means, or they only know it as a caricature. The twisted facial expressions are priceless. It’s really great with the egalitarian crowd because they so believe that they know what’s best for each person and culture. That comes with so much baggage, so many preconceived notions (prejudice really), that their heads practically explode when you say that people are best off when left to determine their own fate.

Lesson One: Begin your adventures in New York’s political lunacy by telling everyone you’re a libertarian.

Lunacy 101b — Use the bigotry of power.

As you may know, New York’s Senate is split with 51 Republican/Republican sympathizer votes and 51 Democrats. Both sides are vying to control the Senate floor. There is no tie breaking vote because we do not have a lieutenant governor. He became governor when the last one resigned, and New York’s Constitution make no provision for replacing the lieutenant governor.

The struggle for control is best exemplified in the fight over the Speaker’s Chair. In the past few days the Democrats snuck in and took control before the Republicans could get there. The reverse happened in the days prior. The Democrats made a big show of placing females in the Speaker’s chair, they being guarded in their position by the Sergeant-At-Arms.

I don’t think anyone noticed this angle, or at least I haven’t read it anywhere, but isn’t that simple bigotry and prejudice on display. They placed women in the spot because the other side wouldn’t dare to physically push them out of their position at the rostrum. They basically determined that “traditional” deference to a woman (and aren’t the Democrats supposed to be the party of equal rights and so forth) would win the day. So to Senators Andrea Stewart-Cousins and Diane Savino, thank you for your portrayal of the “weaker-sex” and for allowing the nice burly Sergeant-At-Arms to protect you.

Lesson Two: Enhance New York’s political lunacy through the exploitation of a person’s sex for political gain.

Lunacy 101c — Agree that you’re a libertarian too.

I actually love what’s happening in the State Senate for several reasons. First, it has created a lot of rubrical fun in relation to parliamentary procedure. The geeky parliamentarians (or here) among us are in heaven and have been weighing the relative merits of Mason’s Manual of Legislative Procedure versus Robert’s Rules of Order. Second, and most importantly, nothing is getting done.

Casey Seiler of the Times Union writes in Hitting bottom? Senate sessions go from bad to worse:

I kept waiting for some distinguished veteran lawmaker — somebody who knows that this will be his or her final term in the chamber — to burst into tears, collapse to the floor and call out for heaven’s punishment to fall on the chamber immediately.

I include that for the sheer humor, and because it would be interesting to see (both the call and the actual punishment), but more to the point:

So that was bad. But what happened in Thursday’s faux session was even worse — rock bottom.

Instead of a procedural rugby match, we witnessed a much more genteel flouting of the governor’s renewed call for a productive special session. The Democrats gaveled in and gaveled out in three minutes, and then left the chamber. Then the Republicans and breakaway Democrat Pedro Espada Jr. arrived, and repeated the exercise in about 150 seconds. Amazingly, no legislation was passed.

It wasn’t “A Chorus Line” or “Cats,” but it was a carefully choreographed show designed not for value or entertainment but to allow both sides to avoid another car-crash spectacle. This elaborate gavotte was obviously worked out in advance by both parties, who have otherwise failed to agree on anything in two and a half weeks.

To be clear: As time-sensitive legislation languishes, the only matter that both sides can find common ground onNot necessarily true. Both sides signed the necessary paperwork to assure that legislators continue to get paid. Priorities you know. is that they don’t want to look like bozos. When their collective vanity is at stake, they’re willing to take immediate and decisive action.

That’s really the best part in all of this. Not “Amazingly, no legislation was passed,” but ‘Thankfully, no legislation was passed.’ Nothing is happening. No more freedoms are being taken away and the so called “time-sensitive legislation,” which is merely authorization for local tax increases (because in New York the State has to grant authority to local governments to do local business), isn’t getting passed.

The euphemisms for authorizing tax increases is wonderful. They call it “home rule messages” or “noncontroversial pieces of legislation.” It should be controversial and failure to do these things means that hard choices will have to be made. I hope they argue forever, and in true New York form are returned to office to keep arguing. Government would do nothing, no tax increases, no more invasive legislation for the common good, and then…

Lesson Three: New York’s political lunacy would be best enhanced through the forcible conversion of everyone into libertarians.

The Polish musical group Dżem as a song from their album Lunatics entitled “Lunatics All around Me” which I have translated for you. Enjoy….

Evil dreams have no illusions
The dreams all men fear
Blackest night, the city sleeps
No one can wake up
A cat on the roof, a rat in the gutter
The moon tempting in a white garment
No green light

Ref: The lunatics surround me Ooo!

Apartment buildings casting black shadows
and like a white tear, an empty open window
The Lunatics flee
The Lunatics flee
In love with you
From around that same window
I see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing

Translated by Dcn. Jim

Sen to zło, nie ma złudzeń
Sen ogarnął wszystkich ludzi
Czarno wokół, miasto śpi
Nikt nie może się obudzić
Kot na dachu, szczur w kanale
Księżyc kusi mundurki białe
Zielonego światła brak

Ref: Lunatycy otaczają mnie O, o, o !

Bloki czarne cień rzucają
A z otwartych, ślepych okien jak łzy białe
Lunatycy uciekają
Lunatycy uciekają
Zakochani w sobie
Wokół same lustra otaczają ich
Nie widzą nic nie, nie słyszą nic, nic nie czują

Current Events, Poland - Polish - Polonia, , , ,

The Haunted Manor (Straszny Dwor) in San Francisco, CA

The Pocket Opera presents The Haunted Manor (Straszny Dwor) by Stanislaw Moniuszko (1819 Minsk -1872 Warsaw) in a new translation with lyrics in English.

Straszny dwór

A NEW TRANSLATION of a buoyant and colorful comedy, by a composer revered in Poland as second only to Chopin.

“It is hard to think of a more prodigiously tuneful opera after Mozart than The Haunted Manor” wrote one critic. Greatly beloved in Poland where it is often performed, and where it is considered the quintessential Polish opera, comparable to The Bartered Bride, the quintessential Czech opera, yet it is practically unknown elsewhere. Pocket Opera, nudged by a matching grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, comes to the rescue!

Two young soldiers, in a characteristically Polish burst of patriotic fervor, make a vow to remain single in order to be instantly available in case of need – a not unlikely prospect, considering their homeland’s turbulent history and its precarious location, sandwiched between two powerful and aggressive neighbors, Russia to the East, Prussia to the West.

This causes great consternation among the unmarried ladies in a land largely depleted of eligible men, due to decades of losses on the battlefield. Despite the somber background, a lively, exuberant, romantic comedy emerges, with a parade of colorful characters and a sparkling, ever flowing stream of dancelike melodies – the mazurka, the polonaise, the krakoviak . . .

How does the haunted manor come into play? Come and find out!

Costumes and props on-loan from the Polish Arts and Culture Foundation and Łowiczanie Polish Folk Ensemble. Łowiczanie will perform in the opera. Singers include Patrycja Poluchowicz and Dalyte Kodzis. Rehearsal space for the Pocket Opera partially subsidized by The Polish Club Inc. (San Francisco).

Performances:

  • Sunday, April 19th, 2:00 PM at the Legion of Honor – Florence Gould Theatre at the CPLH, San Francisco, CA
  • Sunday, April 26th, 2:00 PM at the Legion of Honor – Florence Gould Theatre at the CPLH, San Francisco, CA
  • Saturday, May 9th, 2:00 PM at the Julia Morgan Theater – Julia Morgan Center for the Arts, Berkeley, CA

Philip Lowery from Pocket Opera will be interviewed by Zbigniew Stanczyk, “Studio Poland,” to air this coming Sunday, April 19th at 2pm on San Francisco’s KUSF (90.3 FM on your radio dial, or listen online).